The financial, physical and emotional burden placed on grandparents who raise their grandchildren is a huge, hidden problem in our society, says Flo Clarke, a Presbyterian Support Otago Family Works counsellor who runs the Dunedin-based Grandy’s Group, which is a support group for grandparents raising grandchildren.
“People do not realise the extreme pressures these grandparents are under and the issues they have to cope with”.
The Families Commission reports that the number of grandchildren in the full-time care of grandparents is increasing. In 2007, Work & Income released figures showing that in excess of 15,000 children were receiving the Unsupported Child Benefit, which is a benefit paid to grandparents who have grandchildren in their full-time care.
The Grandy’s Group began 10 years ago to meet “a need that was not being met”, Flo says. Without any advertising, word of mouth brought 16 to 18 grandparents to meetings. The group, facilitated by Flo and Rayleen Hubac, meets for two hours once a month, and currently 15 grandparents regularly attend.
Because of demand, the group is only open to grandparents who have 24-hour care of their grandchild. “It’s a place that they can safely share their worries and they can also phone each other outside of the group if they choose to.”
Flo says the group is the only opportunity most of the grandparents have to share their problems with other people in the same situation. “Many of the grandchildren are pre-school and the grandparents find themselves isolated at home; or the grandchildren are school-aged but the age gap with other parents is too large to bridge.” Most of the group’s members are over 70.
Counselling is also offered when appropriate, and referrals can be made to other Presbyterian Support services.
Flo says that the group is involved with advocacy, and has arranged for WINZ and IRD to come talk about money issues, as well as lawyers to discuss legal issues and fees.
The grandparents in the Grandy’s Group feel ignored and unsupported by the government, Flo says. “MPs say the right things about how grandparents raising grandchildren need more support - but then nothing happens.” Through necessity, the group’s grandparents are very resourceful and “there is lots of sharing”, including helping each other out where possible when they experience health issues.
Whilst many grandparents take on the full-time care of their grandchildren reluctantly, there are others, Flo says, who are pleased to “make a difference in their grandchildren’s lives - or to have a second chance if they didn’t get it right the first time”.
More than half the children in a 2009 study of grandparents raising grandchildren in New Zealand were reported as having serious physical and psychological problems as a result of the abuse and neglect they had before coming into their grandparents care. However, 86 percent reported significant improvements over time, which study author and social work consultant Jill Worrall says can be directly attributed to the stability of care and the resilience and commitment of the grandparents.
Cecilia* is a member of Grandy’s Group, and her story is typical of those grandparents identified in the study. It began when she was woken in the middle of the night by a call from government agency Children Youth and Family asking if she would take three children into her home for protection. “My husband Ron and I said ‘yes’, because what else could you say? Then CYF told us that the three little ones were our grandchildren aged two, three and four, and that they had been abused by our daughter’s partner.”
At the time Cecilia was in her mid 60s and her husband in his early 70s. Their relationship with their daughter, the children’s mother, was strained due to “both her and her partner’s drug use”, Cecilia says.
The year they took their grandchildren into their home was, says Cecilia, “a nightmare of family group meetings, dealings with police and CYF, and attending court, where I was put in the dock and given a terrible time, cross-examined like I had committed a crime; it was degrading”.
“We were given guardianship of the children and our daughter blamed us for taking them in and was very abusive towards us. We were horrified that she chose to remain with the partner that abused the children; we received death threats from him”.
“The grandchildren were very frightened and screamed if you left their sight for a moment. Their behavioural problems got them into trouble at school. They went on to have years of counselling.”
At a time when Cecilia and Ron most needed support from their family, friends and church, they say they felt abandoned. “During the first few years of having the children, we were both quite ill, and the emotional and financial stress made it worse. We were living frugally before the grandchildren came, so although we really needed a break we couldn’t afford childcare. Even one night off would have helped us. Our friends were mainly from the church we attended and were all older like us, in their 60s and 70s, and they no longer visited us because we had these noisy little ones running around. They just stopped visiting and returning our calls.”
Forming friendships with the mothers and fathers at the kindy and schools the children attended was not an option. “Even though we tried hard to befriend the parents of our grandchildren’s friends, it never happened. They were very nice to us and would chat outside the school but that’s as far as it went, as they were all much younger. They weren’t interested in coming to our home for a meal or in inviting us to their home.”
Adding to their loneliness and isolation was the response of their other adult children, who distanced themselves, seemingly jealous of what they saw as “special treatment” given to the three grandchildren. “We have since learnt that this reaction isn’t uncommon, but we were very disappointed. Our adult children accused us of spending all our time with the three grandchildren and not enough time with their children, our other grandchildren. They resented the money we spent on the grandchildren we were raising. They didn’t understand that the relationship we had with the three we took in had changed; we were no longer their grandparents, we were their parents.”
Watching their health and financial situation deteriorate was hard, says Cecilia. “You don’t want to be resentful but we know that Ron and I have lost so much time together. We miss what we worked all our lives for; time together relaxing without the stress of working a 40-hour week.”
Cecilia says CYF could have lessened their financial stress considerably by not making them fight for the Unsupported Child Benefit. “I think they resisted giving us the allowance for some time as they did not know how long the children would stay with us. But we found it very tough to live as a family of five on the married pension, so we were borrowing. It was very frustrating. When we did receive the allowance, it was a help but we still had to and have to find money out of our pension for the extras it doesn’t cover.”
Cecilia says that if she and Ron knew then what they know now, they would still have taken their grandchildren in and raised them. “We may not look it but they have kept us very young in outlook, and we have beaten some serious health problems
because there was no way we were leaving our grandchildren
before they were raised”.
Today life is a little easier, Cecilia says, thanks to the ongoing support they have received from Grandy’s Group and from the church that she and Ron now attend. “We were going to a Presbyterian church for many years but because we were not supported in a journey that was not of our making, we joined another denomination. We are now part of a very understanding congregation that has other grandparents raising grandchildren. Instead of being a burden to our church, we and our grandchildren are welcomed”.
Flo Clarke says that churches have a real opportunity to help grandparents raising grandchildren in their congregations and communities. “Ministers could facilitate a monthly grandparent’s group similar to ours - but be aware that the meetings can very emotional, so have extra support available. Congregations can help financially with one-off expenses such as a large winter power bill, school stationery and uniforms.”
*names have been changed
By Angela Singer